Wrangler Dani

Writer, editor, wife, adoptive mama and cowgirl living in beautiful Central Oregon.

The Ache

I can’t describe it any other way – it’s a merciless ache. It aches when I leave the doctor’s office and they tell me (for the bajillionth time, because apparently no one teaches doctors how to be nice to diabetics) how unlikely it is for someone in my “condition” to get pregnant and have healthy babies. It aches when I see countless Instagram photos of my friends and their cherubic offspring. It aches when all I want to do is something silly and sedate, like walking down the Bend river trail, and I realize how easy it would be with a stroller and a little buddy along for the ride.

Everything in my orbit is reminding me of the ache right now, and I don’t have any distractions from it. It’s been a lingering pain for a couple of years, but I’ve had other things on my mind as well – a busy church-life, a lot of girl-friends to grab lunch and swap stories with, a growing business network that expanded and inspired my creativity and my ambition.

Now we’re in a new place that revisits my ache every day. This is where I want to raise kids, where I see myself as an easy-going northwestern mom. The ache pounds at me with every passing day until I feel ready to crumble, ready to sign off of all social media for the rest of my life, ready to ignore all beauty because the ache overpowers.

What I have to remember is this: the ache is not the whole story. The ache doesn’t tell of God’s goodness and faithfulness, it only speaks of my impatience. The ache lies, it breaks my heart over an as-yet unknown outcome. It blames and shouts and forgets instead of praying and hoping and remembering. So the big question is, how do I live with the ache without letting it rule my heart?

10 comments found

  3. Beautiful, honest post Dani. You are so brave to share your story and yet still strive to see God in your ache. Praying for you today and encourage you to keep the faith! 🙂

  4. Bravery! I couldn’t say it anymore more sincerely or succinctly then Annie though. Love you, roommate and will keep praying for your babes.

  5. thank you for sharing. thank you for letting others into your world and letting us support and pray. you are amazing. God has not planted a desire within your heart that he doesn’t have plans to use. acheing with you.

  8. Dani I cannot wait to meet your sweet babies, too! When you first held Audrey all I could think was “man she is good at this and better than me! She is gonna make such a great mom!” Truth! I hope that day comes sooner rather than later. Praying alongside you friend an for a doctor that has the wisdom and faith to guide you and Adam!! Love you!!

  9. i read you blog a few days ago and have been thinking about your words ever since, wondering why we so often find ourselves with these unfullfilled desires especially when the desires are for good things like spouses and children.

    in the midst of my pondering, denver reminded me of this quote by c.s. lewis:

    “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

    i’m so thankful that we share the same faith and have been praying that you would be encouraged to continue trusting; not giving up hope for fulfillment to that ache in this life, but also knowing that someday we won’t be given a desire that isn’t completely and instantly satsified.

    love you sister!

  10. Pingback: Diabetes, and why I don’t talk about it | Wrangler Dani

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