Wrangler Dani

Writer, editor, wife, adoptive mama and cowgirl living in beautiful Central Oregon.

The Dream

I want a piece of open country, where sunlight glints off of tall meadowgrass and crickets hum in the evenings. I want my family to be self-reliant and community-oriented – capable and independent, but never too busy to help a friend. I want a home that’s inviting, with an open-door policy and a full fridge. I want a family that holds tightly to sacredness and tradition, but keeps an open mind and heart.

More than anything, I want to be a mom. It’s strange to even say it – a few years ago, I was telling you how mystified I once was by the baby-craze amongst my peers – and I’ve certainly never been the girl who put “wife and mom” at the top of her Life Goals list. But in the last couple of years, something has shifted in my heart.

I’ve realized what a gift kids are, even when they break your dishes and make messes and cry loudly on roadtrips. I see my friends becoming even better versions of themselves as they parent, and with every snuggle and sticky kiss, how their hearts are opened ever wider. I ache to be able to love a little person like that, and to give my parents and in-laws the incredible experience of grandparent-hood. This is an emotional issue for me – I don’t know that we won’t have our own biological kids, but I’m preparing myself for that reality.

That means that we have to save up our money and prove our worth and jockey to be parents in the adoption system – which, romantic as the notion is of rescuing a child, in my darker moments I wonder if it will ever work out, if the dream I have of handful of munchkins and their friends stealing cookies off of my countertop is simply a fantasy.

Because if it is – if this dream of parenthood and place is not our future – than I don’t really want to be here. I don’t think I can live in the smell of sagebrush and long summer evenings without little people to teach to ride horses, fish for trout and change tires. It feels like a gamble on an unknown game, like I’m setting myself up for a great failure – a house in the country and a dream that lies empty, reminding me of hope, but not giving any.

I don’t really know why I’m writing all of this down, let alone publishing it on the Internet. I have not written about this before because it is so tender, it feels like a clamp around my heart when I even try to put these fears and feelings into words.

But maybe you can help. Maybe Adam and I don’t have to do this alone. Send up a prayer for us, if you believe in that kind of thing, or maybe even if you don’t. Psalm 37 says:

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
Today, I’m clinging to this – that I wouldn’t be aching for motherhood if I wasn’t intended to have it, that all of the tears I cry now, all of the frustration I feel, is leading me to something new, and preparing me for a new chapter.

8 comments found

  2. Such a beautiful post. Thank you do sharing. Praying for direction, peace, and God’s perfect timing.

  4. You wrote about it! So glad you are sharing this here! We all love you and want to support your dream of having a family. Thank you for giving us the chance to share in this with you. You are going to be an insanely great mom and your kids will grow up to tell you they are so so so lucky to have you as their mom!!!

    Pray to me, and I will answer you. Jeremiah 33:3
    The Lord hears good people when they cry out to Him. Psalm 34:17

  5. I feel I’m not eloquent enough to respond to these beautiful, heartfelt words. But I know from experience that you should not give up on this dream. God hears your prayers (and now our prayers on your behalf) and He knows what amazing parents you two will be! He also knows when the time is exactly right… and that’s the hard part for us… waiting. Continue to trust God and we will be praying with you for this special blessing. You are never alone. We love you!

    Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7

  6. Love you… and have never stopped/will never stop praying for you and Adam and your future munchkins. Can’t wait to meet them.

  7. let’s both adopt lots of babies from around the world, i’ll donate to your adoption fund and you can donate to ours. we’d have the cutest little ethnically diverse families…it would make for some very adorable christmas cards.

  8. Pingback: The Ache | Wrangler Dani

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