Wrangler Dani

Before we get started, I would just to remind you that everything I said before – about being a young thing and needing a hand to hold and how I very literally bleed care and concern about the current state of young journalists – it’s all still true. However, it is also still true that TERRIBLE writers are being PUBLISHED in what was once an award-winning paper.

Behold, the breaking of my nerdy heart, once again mended only by red ink and a healthy dose of snark:

Bonzai offers sensational sushi and show

Out of nowhere, two to three months ago, a new restaurant appeared among the Abilene dining scene. (OK. Already I see a fundamental flaw. Well, three actually. 1. Research. When did they open and where did they come from? Pretty sure it wasn’t actually “nowhere”. 2. Among? Really? Get your cliches right, honey. People – or restaurants, apparently – come ON to a scene. 3. Stop with the cliches!) A Japanese steakhouse nearly mimicking Fuji’s. A restaurant featuring something only a couple of places in Abilene offer: sushi. (These two sentences are aching for drama. You really really want to write for a soap opera. Which is OK and a dandy career goal – but not here. This is not a script, nor is it the entrance of a new wacked-out character who is certain to turn homicidal. This is a restaurant review. Stop with the fragments and cooked-up drama and tell us about it.)

Spring rolls, dragon rolls, salmon, eel, shrimp, crab (Are these rolls? What are you listing here?) and the traditional California roll (California rolls are not traditional. Tradition is fish on rice, period.) are among the countless (Countless? Really? Journalism 101, regularly disregarded by CNN but hopefully held to by bright-eyed and naive students as long as possible: DO NOT exaggerate) possibilities. With the (“the” is an extra word. Cut.) prices ranging anywhere from $5 to $13 and portions ranging (“Ranging” twice in a row. Bad.) from five to 12 rolls, Bonzai presents a sustenance that has been wanting at a reasonable price and a stuffed-full stomach. (“sustenance that has been wanting” is probably one of the most awkward sentences I have ever read. I should be able to sit down at the breakfast table and read a newspaper story with ease, lilt and sunshine to my 90-year-old grandmother, not squint through it, mouthing the words to myself and rocking back and forth in despair. REWRITE.)

Flashy and vibrant in presentation, Abilenians are no longer lacking. (What’s flashy and vibrant? Lacking what? Incomplete thought.) While some people are scared of the word “raw,” (Really? The word itself? Like you can yell “Raw!” at someone on the street and they will jump back in terror?) the rice, seaweed and combined flavors of fish, avocado, cream cheese and wasabi can make one relish anything but just raw fish. (Anything but? I don’t even know what you’re saying. I’ve never been so confused by a sushi roll in my life.)

Confused about the relation between sushi and a Japanese steakhouse – it works. (THIS IS NOT A SENTENCE.) The two types of food are on the opposite ends of the cuisine spectrum, but Abilenians have now obtained something that could not be found in Abilene (Are we in Houston? Dallas? Oh, ABILENE. RIGHT.) with a grill providing more than just entertainment. (Just? Do we often go to grills for entertainment and theaters for steak? Have I been missing something all these years?)

Japanese steakhouses always are (Always? Really? You’ve been to EVERY Japanese steak house EVER?) diverting, considering the food is readied right in front of you. (Diverting? Readied? Are you writing to Mr Darcy or ACU students?) Most places try to somehow involve customers in the preparation of the food, but what I experienced at Bonzai was not just entertainment through preparation, but a complete production.

Yes, the typical flipping of the shrimp or rice and having to catch it in your mouth is a classic of the Japanese steakhouse. However, Bonzai brought more show into the culinary presentation. (Ahem. ‘Scuse me. You ALREADY SAID THIS. See last sentence of above paragraph. Tell us something new and stop generalizing. PLEASE.)

Eggs were juggled and then caught by the top of the chef’s hat. The chef skillfully manipulated the ingredients as he cooked, creating a live volcano, a smoking train and a beating heart. (I’m sure this is a cool story, and this chef sounds like quite the guy. However, without describing it to me, this smoking train/beating heart business just sounds like a really bad cover band or cheap sideshow. That’s why we pay you to REVIEW the restaurant. We haven’t been there ourselves, and we’re depending on you to tell us about it, which you have yet to do in any detail.)

Food portions are large everywhere now, (Once again. EVERYWHERE? Really?) and Bonzai is no exception. With soup, rice, meat, vegetables and a salad at dinner, when leaving you will not feel wanting. (Feel wanting?) From chicken to raw fish (Do you mean sushi?) and a production, Bonzai will leave you appeased and ratified with the money you spent – it is favorably worth it. (This sentence just…. NO. I’m convinced that my brain is bleeding from the effort. I don’t even know what to say. Ratified is the weirdest word ever in this context. Appeased? What? Favorably worth it? Huh? I’m…. sad.)

Tip: Lunch is cheaper than dinner; however, the sushi is always the same price. Lunch ranges around $7 and dinner around $13, not including tip.

Bonzai is open Sunday-Thursday, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m., and Friday-Saturday, 11 a.m. to 10:30 p.m., and is located at 1802 Clack St. next to the Seafood Tavern. (You told us nothing about atmosphere, unique things on the menu, recommended attire or even a reason to go, other than ratification and appeasement for beating hearts, eggs in a chef’s hat and raw fish. Ew.)